I Don’t Know What I’m Doing 🤷🏾

The past couple months, I’ve been going back and forth about my feelings about my work. I have been told that I am doing a great job and what not but I don’t believe it for myself. I don’t have a niche in my opinion (That one thing I’m good at and that others know I am good at). I feel like I know some things but I don’t feel very confident in any of them. 

Oddly enough, a few months back, I did a talk on Imposter Syndrome, I’ll link that here.

Check out my talk about Imposter Syndrome

It’s funny how at one point, you’re working on a project and feeling okay about how it’s going, you’re getting stuff done. Then BAM! That project is over and you don’t have the same feeling about the new stuff you’re doing. It’s natural not to feel confident in doing it because you haven’t had time to adjust and don’t know as much about it because you haven’t worked with it. 

Anyways, I’m here to let you know – It’s okay not to feel okay about the projects you’re doing. I have yet to find someone who fully enjoys every part of their job. I will continue to try new things and maybe they won’t be my jam or I won’t feel confident in my abilities but at least I can say that I tried it. 

Going back to not feeling confident: How am I dealing with this? It’s hard to say right now – I’m having doubts about being able to solve problems and I’m looking back at my career path. I’m also trying to figure out How exactly do I learn best? I struggled with this because growing up: I told myself Just fake it to you make it. OR There’s strength in the struggle. So, there I was, just dealing with it on my own until a breakthrough happened…And eventually there was always a breakthrough! You can’t do that as an engineer. You have many problems to solve and you need to get stuff done and move on to the next thing because there are always more things. I learned that the hard way but I sometimes find myself going back into bad habits and wanting to figure it out all by myself. Truth is, I don’t have all the answers.

Gif of Kanye West Talking to Sway

I took a break this weekend – I was feeling bummed on Friday and very hard on myself…So Saturday – I went to the Arboretum, took some pics, walked around. I needed that break and it felt great to do something I’ve never done before. Take a look at some of the shots I captured. 

Me in front of stream of water

A Gigantic Pumpkin

Charlie Brown Pumpkin Patch

Large trees with people standing on walking path

When the week starts back up, I may be having the same feeling of What am I really doing here? I wish I could tell you what to do here but sadly I don’t know. I’ll report back when I do though. Until then, I’ll choose to believe that Time heals everything 

 Does that even apply here? Again, I’m not sure. 

Moral of the story: If you’re feeling lost, it’s okay. We all feel lost at one point or another. Find the positives and take time for yourself to recharge.

Looking Back and Starting Over

I looked at my website. I redesigned and coding it back in January this year when I had some time. I scrolled down to see my blogs and realized it had been last year (December 2018) since I posted a blog to it. Shocked and disappointed at myself, I realized I needed to change that. Hence, why I am writing to you today. I’m not going to go back to last year…I don’t remember all of the things that have taken place. I will give you a summary though (of the high points that I recall).

DECEMBER 2018

I started working as a full time back end developer at a company I used to intern at. I remember being excited and very grateful for the opportunity to return to the team as a full time employee – Ready to contribute and make a difference. 

JANUARY 2019 – JULY 2019

It was decided that I would start working on an integration with Salesforce. I didn’t know why I was chosen, I thought to myself Hope I don’t screw this up and lose my job 😅I went through several emotions mentally during the next few weeks – In the end, my final thought was Everything happens for a reason and I believed that to be true. I’m also not a quitter (Unless it’s a life or death matter OR Potentially harmful). 

Let’s fast forward to me working with Salesforce – In a nutshell. It was frustrating and sucked for a bit! Docs were all over the place. I was integrating Laravel with Salesforce API using Forrest (Which was pretty cool!). I remember talking to rep from Salesforce and asking a question about how to go about implementing a process and he said something along the lines of Your organization doesn’t have developer support. The developer that is integrating this should be able to figure it out. I nearly lost it! Instead, I held my composure like I tend to do, like I was taught to do. My response went a little like I am the developer working on this project, I just haven’t ever to implement this process but I’ll figure it out. 

Why does everything cost? I didn’t understand, Salesforce already has tons of monies, the product is gargantuous. I started doing my research to find anyone to answer my questions related directly to implementing things in Salesforce. I found resources such as Stack Exchange (https://salesforce.stackexchange.com/), asking questions on the Salesforce website, watched YouTube videos and a slack group called Good Day Sir (I don’t know why it’s called that – It’s a podcast that I’ve never listened to https://www.gooddaysirpodcast.com/) The slack group has been more than helpful to me. 

Anyways, during these months, I realized I don’t know anything! LOL. Seriously. I struggled a lot with getting things to work but I completed my task of integration with the help of my co workers. At this point, I am pretty much over Salesforce – It’s been a headache and if you want something small done – There’s so many loopholes and obstacles. 

Here’s what we accomplished in a nutshell these past several months: 

  • Syncing our users and organizations over to Salesforce
  • Integrating Salesforce Live Chat to our app
  • Utilizing Opportunities in Salesforce and pairing it with our process on our site

There was more – I don’t remember it all but I do know there was more. Ask the Women Who Code DFW slack group – They know. They’ve heard me talk more than once about Salesforce and express my frustration and I appreciate each and every one of them. 

Currently, I’m fixing bugs in Salesforce every once in awhile. There’s some things that we’ve had to adjust in our app so that it works in Salesforce – I believe that’s what they want though. Salesforce wants you to adjust so they don’t have to keep adjusting on their end as much. 

That’s okay, I’ve learned a lot and even more about myself which I may uncover during another post (considering it took me forever to post about this, I wouldn’t hold my breath :] ). 

WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG TO POST?

I didn’t want to talk about work because work involved something that I wasn’t particularly excited or passionate about so I thought Why waste more time on it. Also, I felt like there was pressure to get this stuff completed and I didn’t want to let anyone down so I focused on the necessities. Which meant this blog took a back seat. 

I also had a few life things happen – My car (that I just paid off in January 2019) was pronounced totaled at the end of March – I was in an accident on my way to work, the accident was my fault – I couldn’t stop quick enough without hitting the pick up truck in front of me. It was my first big accident where I was behind the wheel – I had anxiety for a bit driving down that same highway on my way to work…It’s better now. Just keep in mind that just because you caused it doesn’t mean that you weren’t affected by it. 

I also moved in March to my own apartment – It was a long time coming but I’m happy I took the leap. I’ve helped celebrate birthdays, I’ve been meeting with my life group from church, I’ve been getting more involved in church in different ministry – I’m now apart of the A/V ministry. I decided to buy a new car (The other one was bought used) and went through a sort of roller coaster with that. I have been to conferences. https://youtu.be/xUDtLGUHoIM

I’ve had ups and downs. I’ve been busy with Women Who Code activities. 

WHAT AM I DOING NOW?

I’ve maneuvered into the world of data. It’s still the early stages of it but so far so good. Of course I don’t know a lot but I’ve been reading up on SQL stuff in Mode Analytics and feel a bit better about it. I’ve spoken with friends about what I’m doing now. I felt the imposter syndrome big time but I am figuring out how to just embrace the fact that I once again don’t know everything about SQL and I’m not a pro. 

THE PLAN FOR BLOGS

I plan to write a bit about a few things I’m proud of and that I was able to solve in Salesforce over the coming weeks – Someone hold me accountable! I’ve got a whiteboard of my ideas. Sitting here just writing down these thoughts feel so great though!